The Secrets

Behind the rules of a hidden food critic society and strip mall tempura

There is a set of rules established initially by history’s first accepted food critic Alexandre Balthazar Laurent Grimod de La Reynière, aka Grimod.

These principles were passed down to Craig Claiborne the OG New York Times food critic.

The sacred texts have been shared, annotated, revised, and expanded upon by legends such as Ruth Reichl, Mimi Sheraton, Gael Greene, and Phil Vettel.

When I entered the coven of food criticism, I was provided this wisdom too in a secret ceremony not unlike a mafia induction. Like the others who made a similar mistake of devoting their life to professional gluttony, I developed additions and added observations to our shared codex.

My newest principle is known officially as food critic rule #1273 which states: There is a direct relationship between investment in branding and the quality of a restaurant experience.

This is supported specifically by Corollary 3.2: The more your restaurant logo looks like a Stan Lee comic imagined by AI, the more likely your restaurant sucks.